I’m getting old because…

Posted on by tioly

Ancient MortyI realize I can’t stalking people on Facebook because now everybody uses Instagram.

I don’t have Instagram. I thought was just for pictures and I never take pictures.

I don’t believe in allergies.

Doctors are bullshit.

I believe the old way medicine: complains and cigarettes.

I still romantic and romanticism is dead nowadays.

I like to get to the point: if you don’t wanna sleep with me, that’s the door.

I used to have back pain once a year.

Now I have a monthly back pain: every 4 weeks it changes place, from the bottom to the shoulders.

I become to smell like mold on my back.

I should face the north so the mold will slide to my face.

My physiotherapist thinks I am a trunk.

Now my physiotherapist has a lumberjack as aide.

Girls avoid me like I was a terrorist. Not even the covered face works.

The jail isn’t so bad, but I rather stay single.

I’m responsible of my actions and I’m so pissed because of this.

I like the smell of tobacco’s pipe and cigars.

I hate those brats who are harassed by the smoke of my pipe.

10:30pm is a perfect time to get in bed and try to sleep.

But obviously those brats have to kick their footballs and play that awful music down of my window so I can’t get some proper rest. If they only could play some nice swing or jazz music…

Brats dress like clowns nowadays.

Thanks god there’s no more religion.

“I always did in this way, so why should be different now?” (quote)

At my usual bar I started to count 2 generations more than before… those brats…

“I can do whatever I want because I lived long enough to say so.” (quote)

Nonsense is spreading quickly in my brain, faster than ever.

But not as faster as my back pain.

A nice country for old men.

Progress is bullshit.

I don’t know how to use properly a phone. How do they call ‘em? Smartphone? It might be smart for you, but for me still stupid as those brats. Damn brats, with their stupid phones and that awful music.

I keep repeating myself a lot.

Progress is bull…wait…

The feeling of déjàvù increases every second. And that stupid doctor starts to call my short memory Alzheimer.

Doctors are bullsh… no, seriously. What’s that smell of mold?

Who am I?

Damn brats and their shitty music.

Tee-owlee

I ain’t no crazy, I’m just abnormal

Posted on by tioly

I’m mad but not enough to conform at this crazy word.

I sympathies for cats, but I love silly playful dogs.

Let me rephrase: I love pussies and also bitches.

I don’t digest naives, but love trivial people.

I won’t look down, but I must check if I properly flushed my shit.

I say a lot of bullshit, but I hate act like an asshole.

I’m respectful, but I will fucking slap the stupid kids who put shit in my mailbox (if I can catch those fucking brats).

I never use violence, but I seriously wanna punch the parents of those kids.

I always solved problems with words, but I will seriously injure anyone who try to fuck me.

I am no racist, but I have an n-word friend. And I call him bro. And he loves chicken.

I am no gay but I fucking love gay-prides.

I don’t believe in karma, but karma believes I’m its favorite prey.

I don’t believe in god and that’s mutual.

And I swear to god I can be hypocrite, but I admit when I do that.

I try my best to not swear, but honestly it’s impossible.

I try to act good in front of my little nephew, but I still slip swearwords out of my mouth (sorry sis’).

I always wanna have fun, but I’m not so attractive.

I don’t like drugs no more, but how can I say no to videogames? Seriously though, videogames are so addictive.

I know my limits, but I pretend not.

I’m always dead honest, especially when I lie.

I spouting my “knowledge” like some kind of (T) holy man, but I hate smartass.

I blame myself for my mistakes, but find a way to excuse my errors.

I’m always late at friends’ appointments and I’m sorry, but I can’t fix that. It’s videogames fault!

I’m a workaholic, but still unemployed.

I’m Italian but I love junk food.

I’m Italian but I do speak English.

I try my best to live, but one day I’m gonna die. Probably because the junk food.

I love writing, but I ain’t a great reader.

I don’t want you to understand, I want you to shut up.

I don’t have enough time, but I waste too much moments.

I used to be an athlete, I could be a great athlete, but I love junk food.

I do my homework and my chores like a real man, but when I really oughta do that. Once in a while.

I don’t think I’m perfect, but I like in this way.

Nobody’s perfect, but I ain’t nobody.

I’m T. Holy.

Coming back to Italy

Posted on by tioly

I was going to title it “Coming back to hell”, but who am I to judge a place I’ve never been? I mean, hell can’t be possibly worse than Italy. As they describe it in the bible it has to be better than here. Living for years in a country where most of the things work properly and then coming back home it’s like die a little. The idiom “to say goodbye is to die a little” is totally wrong. I prefer the idiom for pets “to say goodbye you must talk to Dolittle”.

Well, there are positive aspects, like the good food and seeing my parents and the old fellows. But that’s all.

Since I’m here (a month) I had to deal with bureaucraZy, absentia of work, advertisement agencies that got my phone number (a Dutch number) to send me fucking local commercials (and if you ask where did they possibly get it they answer you back with a simple “I dunno”), impossible law situations, awful wifi connection, people who know nothing about respect, people who suggest you to do something they have no fucking idea about it, waiting times that last forever, escalation of drugs and, last but not the least, I can’t drink alcohol because of the stupid blood test for my driving license. Which I still missing because someone in the motorization office made a calculation mistake long ago and I keep paying the consequences for someone else’s fault.

Yeah, but it’s all good in here.

“Why did you leave the Netherlands?” they ask me. Honestly was just because of the English. I want to improve it even more than this and over there I couldn’t. So I choose to make a “quick” stop in my hometown, fixing few unfinished business and going to another country where they basically speak English. But i got stuck here, in this shithole because (again) of the fucking driver’s license and the dentist. Well, dentist isn’t a real problem so far. Just the bill will be.

So, actually, I’m forced to stay here because other’s errors. And I can’t even complain. I’m looking forward to leave again this screwed place without any regret and hoping one day it will be sucked up into a black hole.

God if I’m pissed. Whoever on Earth thinks this is a great country has to think twice. The line between legality and illegality is so thin that there’s no actual difference. Do you know the tax frauds reached 249 BILLION euro? And you can see that from the public services, which are so poor to make you regret taking transportations, having an health care, enjoying the view or even taking a fucking shit.

“You shall not shit in the plate where you eat”, that’s why I don’t want to have nothing to do with this ominous dish. “I love it, but I hate the taste” sing the Foo Fighters. What a perfect sentence for a place governed by assholes and lived by silly naives.

I regret nothing in my life, but this choice to coming back home makes me feel sick. Mentally speaking.

Anyway, if you are thief, an hitman, a lazy piece of shit, a racist, an asshole, a tax evader or a politician, welcome to your heaven.

Otherwise you will leave as soon as you can.

Jesus fuck, this place makes me so anxious…

I really needed to relieve this feeling…

I have to resist a little longer, then farewell! And die a little less.

T. Holy FUCK!

Cut the crap

Posted on by tioly

Following a series of new discoveries, thanks to statistics collected by me, Exford University, NASAcar, a pair of socks, Moses and my imaginary dog:

  • Porn for breakfast helps your creativity by 0,02% but a tree in the rainforest will be cut;
  • If you smoke pot, eventually you’ll turn into a dinosaur, but a really small one;
  • If you constantly use cocaine there’s a high chance to have traces in your blood test;
  • Scientists of Narnia say that assuming food by anal way is gross;
  • Santa Claus exists and smuggles into your apartment. The only present he leaves is a turd on your sofa;
  • Every year they change laws because there’s a symptom called boredom that push people to do bullshits;
  • According to Henry Pot (a street magician who’s also selling plants), there’s life beyond house’s walls;
  • A medic in Alabama (Croatia) discovered that mime aren’t mute or crazy, they just pretend;
  • According to my mother, if you eat every day there’s a chance that you will survive for long;
  • According to each grandma, you don’t eat enough;
  • An university in Colorado (Australia) studied that money are made to buy more money;
  • The same university, but this time in Scotland, discovered that if we switch ants’ larvae with people in every state office the work will drastically improve;
  • Poison mushrooms are more edible than politicians;
  • In Russia is thriving a renewed cocktail Molotov that involves people who fart a lot;
  • According to many of my friends, being sober is worse than being on drugs;
  • Intelligence is relative and often confused as food;
  • The 82% of global population doesn’t know what is water and its uses;
  • The remaining 18% thinks is an evil liquid;
  • Diseases are often confused for horror movies, and vice versa;
  • “Shit” is called like this because “Skype” was already taken;
  • Freemium games have an awful name;
  • Addictions are made by aliens and complots by radioactive monkeys;
  • According to your mother, I’m not so good in bed;
  • According to your father, I’m actually the best;
  • And he was only watching;
  • There’s a place somewhere in China where cats and dogs are friends and cohabitate the same kitchens;
  • In the USA there will be applied a label on every car that says: “Breakfast your seatbelt”;
  • Dictionaries will change definition of “Colombia” in “Cocaine Country” to sensitize the rest of the world;
  • Nowadays the expressions “Don’t give up” and “Don’t give a fuck” aren’t dissimilar;
  • I heard that Formula One drives people crazy;
  • Mascots in theme parks have a military training to get their job and survive to children;
  • An important university in California (Texas) discovered that the definition of definition is 0;
  • According to a statistic made by Saint Louise Hamilton Jr., reading this post makes you colorblind before you can even finish it.

T. Holy Shit

animals.S01E03

Don’t say the cat is in the sack

Posted on by tioly

For the many of you who’s not familiar with this expression, it comes straight out of Trapattoni, an Italian football manager that, during an interview, quoted a classic Italian idiom, literally translate to English. The meaning of it is to not talk insight if you don’t get the job done first. Or you should have a cat in your bag before saying that aloud. Something like that and, to be honest, I ain’t sure where this idiom comes from. 

But I know many others expressions that can help you out when you try to get closer to this awkard species called Italians and the communication can easily fade off.

Why do I know Italian idioms? Because I’m one of them.

I’m an idiom.

A completely idiom.

My intention here is to explain our common saying that we use to describe situations, instead express ourselves with simple sentences. Like normal people do.

About the pronounce, well, I guess will be better for you to use Gtranslate and listen to the cold robotic voice. It won’t explain how to move your hands though, which is very important. For that I will prepare a course a part. A private course, just for women who need my help with the… Uh?
What’s that?
Why just women? Well, I can’t afford to take care of everybody, so I just made some cuts and put some privileges.

I think it’s reasonable, for the fact we’re pretty famous around the world for mainly two things: good food and good sex.
If we exclude the other classic clichés, i.e. mandolin / mafia / espresso / Campari / Martini / Leonardo Da Vinci / Renaissance / being periodically noisy / football fanaticism / colourful swearing / the hypocrisy of being as much Catholics as blasphemers / the animosity about everything doesn’t belong to us or we don’t understand / the Roman Empire / Cristoforo Colombo / Marco Polo / fashion / Monica Bellucci, Sabrina Salerno, Sophia Loren, Ornella Muti (and so on, a lot of pussy actresses) / Verdi / Vivaldi / dark hair, beard, tan and sunglasses always worn (to cover “eventually” huge pupils) / Paolo Sorrentino / Roberto Benigni / Laura Pausini / Eros Ramazzotti / Ferrari / Fiat / Peroni / Mamma Mia (of course I don’t mean the [lame] band Abba) / etc.

All right, I’d like to get to the topic of this post.

Idioms!

[Note: I marked the main words in the sentences. Mostly they’re swearwords, but you know… we’re Italians! I guess it can be used for every excuse.]

 

ITALIAN EXPRESSION LITERALLY TRANSLATION MEANING NOTES
Mi hai rotto le palle You have broken my balls You’re a pain in the ass If you are a male you know exactly how much your balls are such delicate things. The expression can be less vulgar using “boxes” (“scatole“) instead of “balls” (“palle“).
In culo alla balena Into the ass of the whale Good luck Usually who receives this kind of greeting (yes, it’s a greeting and not a bad omen) answer back with “let’s hope she won’t shit“. Same expression, less rude and more common is “Into the wolf mouth” (“In bocca al lupo“), wishing he’s gonna die (“Crepi“).
Su due piedi On two feet At once Doing the things immediately, standing on the spot.
Sudare sette camicie Sweating seven shirts Sweating a lot Don’t ask me why seven, but it obviously means a lot of laundry.
Ridere a crepapelle Laugh ‘till “cracked skin” Laugh uproariously About the things of the skin… I ain’t sure why that either. I guess the uncontainable will to laugh won’t stop even if you are falling apart.
È tutta farina del mio sacco It’s the whole flour of my sack I’ve done it all just by myself When you complete a job or a duty alone and you’ve done very well, you can say this proudly.
Segaiolo “Saw maker” (not really, but close enough) Wanker The saw (whatever shape or use it has) it’s also used for describe the jerk-off.
Essere tagliati con l’accetta Being cut with the axe Being rude, rough If you know a lumberjack, you can get this one immediately.
Essere una carogna Being a carrion Being an asshole, an evil motherfucker A putrefied corpse recalls something bad and disgusting, that nobody wants (despite necrophiliacs).
Far salire la carogna Raise the carrion Get angry, raging In this case the carrion is associated to anger.
Fare le cose alla cazzo di cane Do the things in the dog’s dick way Doing a job badly, carelessly It’s just slang. We often referring to dogs as insult.
Che culo! Such ass! Lucky bastard In this particular expression we use the ass to describe a lot of fortune occurring to someone.
Farsi i cazzi propri Doing its own dicks Minding your own business Even if you’re a girl this expression suits you. Doesn’t matter whether you own no dick or more than one, “own dicks” is the equivalent of “own business“.
Con la coda dell’occhio With the tie of my eye With the corner of my eye That doesn’t mean we consider the tie like a corner. It’s just this expression.
Tamarro [No literal translation for this] Boor, bumpkin Have you ever seen the Jersey Shore or Fast & Furious? Have you ever listened to Israeli music? There you are!
Parla come mangi Talk like you eat Speak your own language Eating is something that comes instinctively. So, if you speak a different language it doesn’t come automatically as well as your native one. I guess.
Fatto trenta, facciamo trentuno Done thirty, let’s make thirtyone You reach a goal, but you can keep going on through the next one and finish your job  
Oh cazzo! Oh dick! Oh fuck!  
Ha la puzza sotto il naso He/she has stink under the nose When someone is suspect and his/her odd behave doesn’t really convince you Let’s put for instance you’re going to eat something and it smells like shit. Will you even start with it?
C’erano solo quattro cani There were just four dogs There were just few people When you go to concerts or events where nobody is going but you.
Mettere i piedi in testa a qualcuno Put the feet on someone’s head Take an advantage to someone, step onto someone Pretty much figurative.
Stare con le mani in mano Being with the hands in hand Laze around, doing nothing Ok, the sentence literally has no sense. But means like standing with your clasped hands.
Far girare i pollici Spin the thumbs Being lazy Clasped hands again, but now with the spinning thumbs like you’re pretending to do something. A waste of your time.
Girare il coltello nella piaga Turn the knife in the wound Press on someone’s hurt, being pitiless Behaving wickedly with someone who is already in a shitty situation.
Non fa una piega It doesn’t make any pleat It’s flawless When plans have been well explained and everything goes smooth (without pleats).
Va tutto liscio come l’olio It all goes smooth like the oil It’s all perfect We use the expression “to go smooth” accompanied with the comparison of the oil’s property. Always. We need that to conclude the sentence otherwise our minds blow.
Per filo e per segno By thread and by sign Correctly Yes, we use an entire sentence to say an adjective. Everything is done or has to be done precisely and with order is usually followed by this long-lived idiom.
Fare un buco nell’acqua Make an hole in the water Useless When you’re doing a really lame job. So you’re trying to do an hole in a shapeless liquid. Pretty much useful, isn’t it?
Domandare è lecito, rispondere è cortesia Asking is allowed, answering is courtesy I can freely ask you any question and you can politely choose to answer me back One of my favorite idiom. If someone talks to you aggressively or aloofly, without gives an actual answer about the (uncomfortable) question you did, this saying makes clear you have the right to ask anything you want and he/she has the right to not answer, instead being such an a-hole (or a carrion, like I taught you before).
Facile come bere un bicchiere d’acqua Easy like drinking a glass of water Extremely easy I know what are you thinking: “Why they can’t just say easy?”. Because.
Cielo a pecorelle, acqua a catinelle Sky with “little sheep”, buckets of rain When you see the sky spotted by heap of small clouds, the day after will rain a lot When the clouds resemble a flock of sheep, it will probably rain tomorrow. And not summer rain, but overturned buckets of water.
Più unico che raro More unique than rare There’s nobody  on Earth same as you I love this compliment. Whether it’s intended like a flattering remark or not.
Ogni morte di Papa Every Pope’s death Seldom, infrequent Using religious figures to make idioms is a common thing in Italy. Especially when we swear.
Levare le tende Remove the tents To leave quickly Whether you’re camping or not.
Tagliare la corda Cut the rope Run away Cut your reins and run as fast as you can!
Alzare i tacchi Lift the heels Slink off When you run the heels barely touch the ground.
Lì per lì There by there In that moment And usually the sentence terminates with “I haven’t thought about it“. When you forget something because in that moment you couldn’t realize.
Tirare i remi in barca Retrieve the paddles in the boat To conclude a job Stop the thing you were doing because it’s done or because you want to leave in advance.
Pieno come un uovo Stuff as an egg I ate more than enough We don’t have the tradition to stuff the turkey because we don’t have Thanksgiving Day. So we compare our bellies to eggs, ‘cause eggs are always completely filled.

If you see any grammar or sintax error let me notice it ’cause I need to raise my poor English knowledge to a major level. Thanks folks.

Well, I guess it’s enough for now. See ya next time.

Tioly